Psychiatrist: So what position do you hold Tony?
Tight Pants Tony: Strictly only the missionary position, any other
position is the work of Satan........ Oh! You mean what do I do? Sorry, I
thought you meant... never mind, it’s the way yous guys speak, it cracks me up!
Heh heh. Well, me and my guvnin’ body are the only goldarn religion God is
using in these very last days to organise the investments , er... I mean, to
organise the preaching which Jesus said gotta be done. And we’re the guys
organisin’ it. Yup.
Psy: How many are
you in your governing body?
TPT: Seven... the
heavenly seven! We’re going to heaven when we die...
Psy: And you
believe that out of all the seven billion people on Earth, God speaks only to
you and that he has exclusively entrusted just you seven individuals with the
organising of all of his work down here?
TPT: Hole in one!
But seriously, we are good... just look at our website!
Psy: In our line
of work when someone claims to be exclusively spoken to by God we take it
seriously and we call what you describe as being “delusional behaviour”.
TPT: Yes, it does
sound rather good.
Psy: And what is
your role in the governing body?
TPT: My role? yeah
well...... I’m kinda a front man, I tell it like it is and they love me for it.
I show them dudes out there on our website what a true member of the guvnin’ body really looks like, you know, slick,
handsome, smart tailoring and baggy trousers. Ol’ rubber lips letts, he does
the speakin’ to the camera...does it kinda slow like, ‘cos many of our dear
brothers out there lookin’ in don’t get much other kinda education ‘cept what
we give ‘em.
Psy: There has
been a lot of bad publicity on television, in the press and on the internet about child abuse and harmful shunning by
your members. How do you respond to these criticisms?
TPT: I never did
shun nobody ‘cos at HQ we make sure anyone what doesn’t toe the line gets
chucked out an’ we never see ’em again. Look, let’s get real on this, any great
organisation like ours is going to have a few bad apples, can you believe it,
even in the guvnin’ body! We chuck’em out! got rid of ‘em! Just like Joshua
done in Canaan, got rid of them pesky critters what didn’t believe right .
Psy: We
understand from our clinical experience that many of your members seem to be
suffering from what we call ‘cognitive dissonance’. It’s an experience rather like arriving at the
traffic lights where they are showing both red and green at the same time. For example,
your members believe in an organisation which claims to be in the very last
days yet simultaneously is making vast investments in property and building grand
new headquarters... Another source of anxiety is the fact that your
organisation said that the end would come within the lifetime of the generation
which saw 1914...and that has long died out? Can you reconcile these
contradictions?
TPT: I think I
know where you’re a comin from... and I can smell persecution when I want to...
and don’t tell me! the next thing you are going to say is “critical thinkin.”
Well I’ve got something to tell you on that subject, I wrote it down ‘cos it’s reeeeeal
good.
(rummages in wallet to find quotation)
Here it is! I wanna read you my statement, ’cos I wrote it myself
li’l while back, I put all the dots in it,
“It’s kind of amazing
that once you learn critical thinking. Once you remove yourself from it and
then take another look from a different perspective. How manipulative it is.
How the ‘double think’ is right there in your face.”
Now don’t that trumps it all? Critical thinking is double
think in your face, kinda amazing hey?
Psy: Nurse! Bring
the restraining jacket and the sedative injection immediately please! .........
No, no, not for the patient! It’s for me, so I can’t strangle him...